Muse and Mischief

It’s the little things in life. That’s what people say anyway. It’s true though. I’ve found some of the things that make me feel the most alive tend to be what others may consider commonplace and unremarkable. These moments wash over me and fill me with an ineffable energy that just makes me so happy to do more than exist. As I get older I take much more time to be present in them. So, here are five ordinary things that make me feel alive. 

Music

Do you ever have moments where the music syncs with your world so perfectly, it’s like the soundtrack was picked just for you? I live for those moments. A particularly strong memory was from my sophomore year of high school in AP Biology. We had a leaf project where we had to collect and identify the leaves of like 20 species of trees, maybe more. I hated that project. I digress. Someone found some guy with a lot of land and arranged for us to go and walk through the forest on the property to gather leaves. 

So a group of us pile into a car and drive out there. So there we are bouncing on a dirt road at 30 mph and the intro to Don Henley’s “Boys of Summer” takes over the radio. I can’t explain what it was, but the combination of being piled into a car with those people, speeding down a country road on an overcast humid day with a canopy of tree branches overhead just clicked. I can’t explain that feeling any better than simply saying that almost 30 years later that moment is still etched into my memory. 

Crying

I never really appreciated the benefits of a good cry until I was older. Growing up I hated crying, mainly because it typically followed getting yelled at or teased. As I got older, I found that some physical part of me felt relief after crying, even a sense of peace. There is a clarity in that aftermath I believe. Sometimes I think it is a pocket of time where the world waits for you to change. That’s how it felt after my parents each died. There was that initial outburst of tears and screaming, but after that passed the world slowed and waited for me to adapt to its newness. 

For me a good cry is when there is a sense of safety. I’m actually overdue for one. What this looks like for me is usually experiencing the emotions through some form of media. Usually a movie or show. My go-to ones are Big Fish and Clannad: After Story. Those get me every time. I think it feels safe because I’m really just borrowing those emotions for a little bit and letting go of everything inside that needs to be free. 

Crying does make me feel alive though because in a way, our emotions are the purest sign that we are really alive and not just existing. Your heart can beat and air fill your lungs while you are not truly alive. 

Waves on the Shore

My dad was stationed in Hawaii for three years when I was younger and I wish I had gone to the beach as often as my mom wanted us to. There is something so magical about standing on the shore with the water lapping against your legs while the waves roll in. It’s not just the physical sensation or the sight of it, but the sound as well. The only thing that I have found that comes close to it is the wind rushing through leaves of large trees.

I think it has this effect on me because in those moments, watching the waves come in off the horizon, I really am reminded of just how tiny we are in the grand scheme of things. With that understanding comes an acceptance about just how lucky I am to be alive. Being in that moment never fails to realign me to my center. 

Connection

I love physical connection. When my sons were babies, I never gave up a chance to cuddle with them. That feeling when they nestled their head on my shoulder, almost nothing beats that feeling. My youngest is still little enough that he wants to snuggle on the couch and during story time. I know that this epoch will close sooner than I like and it will no longer be cool to snuggle with mom on the couch. 

There is always the emotional connection I have with my wife and my kids. Playful and nurturing, feeling that bond invigorates me so much. I think that’s why a lot of my creative work focuses on this aspect of life . I find the common theme among the things that make me feel alive is that they all involve strong emotions and my connection to them. 

The Cold

I have always loved the cold. Winter is by far my favorite season. The sleeping world beneath a gray sky with a crisp air that sinks into my bones is something I yearn for throughout the year. Sometimes I wish we lived somewhere with stronger winters and snow. Growing up I only lived two places where we had snow. There was also the time we spent Christmas in the Midwest where it snowed on Christmas Day. My only White Christmas.

In the early 2000s I went up to visit my college roommate in February so we could go into NYC to see Christo’s “The Gates”. It was very cold that day, but I felt so alive. That night when we got back to their apartment it started to snow and I went outside for a cigarette. It had only been going for about 15 minutes, but watching the snow fall in the streetlight while the cold stung my cheeks was heaven. I felt connected to everything in that moment. 

There is a song that you can still find on YouTube by Marie Digby called “Snowfall in Kumamoto” that perfectly captures that moment for me. 

There we go, five things that make me feel alive. Looking back, I realize that what makes me feel alive is anything that stirs something deep within me. Maybe that’s true for all of us, in the end.